Lady Mary’s reflections on 1918 in her 1919 diary

I am too near it at present to estimate what we have lost and gained by the Great War. We know that a new world has opened. There is not one of us that has not suffered agonies. All our soldiers - in the family - have returned except dear and clever James Usborne. His body lies near Arras.

I am very nearly ashamed but not quite ashamed of the way I have behaved. I said to myself during the first terrible months August 1914 - January 1915 and during the last German advance March 21 to July 18 “There is nothing you will regret so deeply as to have thought that England will not be Victorious - keep out of that whatever happens” and I did.

This year (1919) I have entered my 70th year, the limit - and must stand close up to the Golden Gates. I have as it were walked twice through all the emotions. Once in myself and once in my children. I don’t want to have to go through it again in my grandchildren.

What I want: the wide smooth sea, the rapture of Spring, the sunset, light on the snow, the starry heavens, the beautific vision...